Captain Arachnia!
by scifiromance
Summary: The antics of Captain Kathryn 'Arachnia' Janeway, and Chakotay's sense of humour, give Seven her first experience of hysterical laughter. Extended and additional C/7 scenes for 'Bride of Chaotica' S05x12. One-shot.


**A/n: This one-shot is set during 'Bride of Chaotica' S05x12, which has to rank high on the list of the most ludicrous, campy Trek episodes, and that's a long list. ;) I don't own Star Trek Voyager.**

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><p>"Let me get this straight." The Captain began as she walked around the Briefing Room table towards Tom Paris, pointing at him as if she were a teacher selecting him to answer, which, in a way, she was. "Trans-dimensional aliens have mistaken your 'Captain Proton' simulation for reality?"<p>

Tom nodded with an admirable, abashed seriousness. "Yes, ma'am."

Janeway lifted her head, enunciating clearly even in her disbelief. "And now an armed conflict has broken out between these aliens and Chaotica's holographic army?" She summarised for clarification.

"Yes, ma'am. His army of evil." Tom confirmed. Seven, while trying to discern whether Lieutenant Paris was deploying 'deadpan humour' worthy of her own or being childishly sincere, heard a sharp intake of breath behind her and looked around to see what was amiss with Commander Chakotay. His gaze was as incredulous as her own, his lips twitching as their eyes met. Humorous then, in the Commander's estimation.

"And will someone please explain why we haven't just shut down the holodeck?" The Captain asked with an acrid weariness.

Seven found that she had to take a deep breath of her own before turning back to the Captain, hoping it would ease the tightness in her chest, stop the rising laughter. The sensation was unusual, if not entirely unknown, and as such she was pleased to overcome it and answer the Captain. "We've tried, the controls are still off-line."

"We're going to have to get through to these aliens somehow and explain they're fighting shadows." The Captain said, not hiding her exasperation well.

"We've tried, but they don't believe us." Tom replied defensively, "They think that _we're _not real." He sighed heavily as he tried to explain, "They can't detect Voyager." He stood up to face the Captain fully, "So every time they scan us, we seem as artificial to them as holographic characters seem to us."

Chakotay removed the stifling hand from his mouth, almost losing his battle not to laugh as Seven shot him a knowing sidelong look. "That explains why they haven't answered our hails." He finally managed to force out, though he suspected his wavering voice betrayed him. If his eyes weren't deceiving him, Seven was trying, and not quite succeeding, to disguise her smirk.

"The Doctor is photonic, he may be able to persuade them." She told the Captain with an impressive lack of levity, but from where he stood behind the ex-drone, Chakotay could see her hands clenched behind her back. This was getting more and more surreal, not only was the ship being held hostage by aliens convinced 'Captain Proton' was a feasible reality, but it was _Seven of Nine_ who saw with him the hysterical ludicrousness of it all.

"It's worth a try." Janeway waved her hand at her now, "Brief him."

"In the meantime, I think we should let the programme play out." Tom suggested.

"You're not suggesting we wait until this…Chaotica defeats the aliens?" The Captain questioned in astonishment.

"No…" Tom started patiently, "I'm suggesting we help the aliens to defeat Chaotica!" Seven felt Chakotay's chest expand, then shudder with suppressed laughter as he half hid behind her, head bowed while he bit his lip. "They think that he's leading some kind of hostile invasion force." Tom continued, unaware of his two friends gradually losing their famed composure, "Once the threat is gone, it's a good bet that they will leave and close up their portals."

"How do you propose to defeat Chaotica?" Chakotay asked, bringing Seven's eyebrow even further up her forehead as well as Tom's attention.

"Well…" Tom had been the ship's comedian long enough to know that Chakotay was having trouble resisting payback and pulling his leg, but he supposed that was his fate for the day. Captain Proton was his programme after all. "He's been attacking the aliens with his Death Ray…"

"It's a shame we don't have one." Tuvok opined. Chakotay half-expected the long-suffering Vulcan to roll his eyes, and even when he didn't, the metal image was enough that he couldn't hold back his chuckle. He spotted as he shook his head, still laughing quietly, that Seven had ducked her head to hide the irrepressible smile that had broken out across her rosy lips. Seeing that only widened his own smile, even as Seven regained control of herself a moment later.

Tom however, was now far from amused, imagining the ship being held here forever just because his crazed, campy, sci-fi villain was their only ambassador with these unfortunate aliens. "No, forget about what it's called Tuvok!" He exclaimed irritably, "In the world of 'Captain Proton', it's the most powerful weapon that there is and because it's photonic, it's lethal to these aliens." He shuddered guiltily, though was satisfied as he refocused that his words had sunk in. "Now, in chapter 18, Captain Proton disables this weapon just before Chaotica can use it to destroy Earth."

"And you think Proton, namely you of course, can still do that?" Janeway asked drily.

"Well, we'd have to knock out the Lightning Shield first." Tom responded gamely.

"A force field." Seven guessed.

"Now you're catching on." Tom told her, almost proudly, even as he smiled himself. "The Destructo-Beam on my rocketship can disable the Death Ray but only if someone gets inside the Fortress of Doom and shuts down the Lightning Shield."

"And who's supposed to do that?" Chakotay asked, though he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People." Tom answered gravely.

The Captain turned away from her pilot, unable to look him in the fact after that one. "Charming." She muttered sarcastically. Chakotay and Seven automatically shared another look.

"Chaotica thinks so." Tom countered, sticking to his argument even as Janeway's face started to contort with incredulous, if silent, laughter. Even her commitment to Starfleet decorum was cracking under this assault. "He's been trying to form an alliance since chapter 3. She's the only one that he trusts, the only one that can get close enough to disable the Lightning Shield." He took a bracing breath and crossed his arms over his chest. "_Somebody _is going to have to take on her character."

An amused smile played widely across the Captain's lips as she turned her head towards Seven stared back, almost resembling the Borg Queen in her imperious, unmoving expression that nonetheless couldn't have said, 'No way in Hell' more clearly. "Who'd you have in mind?" Janeway asked knowingly, shaking her head as she laughed, but then caught a glimpse of Tom's sneaky smile, directed firmly at her, not Seven. "Oh no…" She began, slowly backing away from him.

Tom tried a wheedling expression first, then tried a more desperate tact. "It's the role of a lifetime!" he argued.

Tuvok threw her to the wolves by choosing this moment to intervene. "Captain, need I remind you that we have exhausted all other possibilities of escaping this layer of subspace."

"Until we eliminate those distortions, we're trapped." Chakotay continued, only feeling a smidgen of guilt that he was enjoying this immensely.

"Think of it as Starfleet's first encounter with Planet X." Seven added in the same vein.

Janeway frowned at them both, not relishing this new experience of even her two closest friends ganging up on her as a one-two team. "Thanks." She told them in a clipped tone that dripped with sarcasm.

"Captain, it won't be so bad." Tom rushed to assure her, "I can explain to you what you can expect, I can tell you…"

Janeway threw her hands up in surrender. "All right, all right!" She turned to her helmsman with a resigned sigh, "I'm a size four."

Tom grinned at her, "We can do that. Let's go and get you ready for your reign." He firmly gripped her elbow and started to guide her towards the door, as if afraid she'd transform into a shrinking violet and back out if he let her go.

"Don't push it Lieutenant." Janeway ground out in, ironically, her most imperious tone.

"Okay, okay." Tom murmured in a placatory tone, "You'll have fun Captain, really…"

"Just do all that explaining you promised." The Captain replied with a strained smirk as the doors closed behind them, the enlisted actress and her not so reluctant director.

Tuvok finally allowed himself a slight roll of his eyes now that his Captain was out of sight. "I will brief the Doctor myself. He is bound to forget security and diplomatic protocols in his…excitement over the discovery of photonic lifeforms."

"A logical assessment." Seven agreed within a blink of an eye, causing Chakotay to lose a little more dignity as he snorted with laughter, and Tuvok to mirror her signature raised eyebrow back at her before also taking his leave.

Chakotay turned to her, finding her unburied playfulness something of a revelation. He knew that Seven had a sense of humour, although it was often so hard to discern when she was joking and when there was a genuine misunderstanding that the trait went unappreciated. "Starfleet's first encounter with Planet X?" he parroted back at her wryly.

"Yes." Seven gave her golden head a small toss, "This situation does fit with Starfleet's First Contact protocols…" Her lips turned up again, "…loosely."

Chakotay guffawed then, glad that he finally felt able to laugh freely. "'Loosely' is right!" he chuckled even as he shook his head, "I didn't think this journey could get any stranger, but photonic aliens invading 'Captain Proton' takes the cake…"

"Does it?" Seven asked curiously, regarding him with a new mischievous glint in her bright blue eyes. "Weren't you once…consumed by the mythical creature Grendel?"

Chakotay's own eyes widened, "You really did memorise our logs…" He remarked wryly, smiling self-deprecatingly, "Try to forget it, it's my equivalent of the Captain playing 'Queen Arachnia'."

Seven studied his relaxed face for a moment before coming to a decision. "I've already established a visual link with the holodeck in Astrometrics. I should resume my observations of events."

Chakotay's handsome face slowly moulded into a boyish grin of understanding. "Well, maybe I should observe too, in my role as First Officer." He suggested with an unsubtle wink.

"Let's proceed then." Seven replied, marching ahead of him towards the door.

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><p>Astrometrics' viewscreen provided a window into the Fortress of Doom and the Captain's 'ordeal'. Seven and Chakotay watched Arachnia progressively twist Chaotica around her finger, or antennae, whatever a Spider Queen was meant to have. Slinking around in that sequined gown with the high slit and puff sleeves, carrying the beehive hairdo off like a crown.<p>

"This is a historic occasion." Chaotica announced on bended knee at 'Arachnia's' feet. "Kindred souls meet at last."

Arachnia's grip on Chaotica's hand was unfettered by the curved black nails almost as long as each finger. The touch was sensuous, her eyes languidly half closed as she looked at him, Captain Proton's token vamp. "It's an honour to be in your presence, Majesty." She deigned to tell him in her smoky voice. "I've always admired your…clever fiendishness."

Seven watched this, as riveted as she was stunned. Lieutenant Paris' inspiration for this character was obvious, Captain Janeway was the star of this 'show'. As if reading her thoughts, sounding both awestruck and affected by amused dread as his gaze flicked briefly away from the screen to her, Commander Chakotay mused, "God, I wonder which characters he based on us, because Kathryn fitted into Arachnia's shoes well enough…"

She couldn't hold it back any longer, the laughter that had been bubbling under the surface for some time exploded out and she found that on the heels of one laugh was another as she stared at the screen. "Captain Arachnia…" She managed to choke out between uncontrollable bouts of giggling.

"Captain…Captain Arachnia…yeah…" Chakotay agreed, having to grip the console to stay upright as he too started to laugh, taken in by the unaccustomed, joyful sound of Seven's laughter. "I…I dare you to call her that to her face…" He challenged her breathlessly.

"Commander!" Seven squeaked out in disbelief even as his words sent her sliding to the floor, now fully in the merciless grip of a laughing fit.

The scene on the holodeck had of course continued, Chaotica had just invited Arachnia to his grandiose throne, and she seated herself atop it with ease. "Somehow I feel comfortable here."

Chakotay snorted loudly, having joined Seven on the floor. "No kidding!" He exclaimed. Seven snickered wildly alongside him, even as his eyes filled with tears of laughter he could see her holding her sides, struggling to catch her breath between the waves of hilarity.

"Commander…I think I need the Doctor…" She gasped out, wide-eyed. "I have…pains…in my sides…" She chortled again, though there was now a panicky edge to her laughter that pulled Chakotay out of his own fit, for the most part.

"That's…just a stitch Seven, from laughing so much." He explained kindly, putting a gentle hand on her heaving sides. "If you can stop laughing long enough to breathe, then it'll go away."

"A stitch?" Seven echoed, her laughter stopped for a moment by her bewilderment, "I'm not made of material…" Unfortunately, she chose that moment to look up at the screen again, just as Arachnia was telling Chaotica that they 'couldn't be slaves to their passion'. Of course, that restarted her giggling with a vengeance, though she bent her head into her knees to muffle it.

Chakotay rubbed her back, even as he continued to chuckle himself. "Okay…just try to breathe." He instructed, "Or I'll have to pinch you."

"That…that won't be necessary." Seven muttered shakily as she glanced at him sharply, now able to take a few deep breaths and regain control of herself, though she sensibly kept her eyes averted from the screen. "I apologise Commander…" She began, blushing. "I did not think the threat of these photonic aliens stranding us here would provoke a hysterical reaction in me."

"That wasn't hysteria, that was hysterics." Chakotay corrected warmly, "It's a completely different thing." When he saw the confused expression he'd been expecting flicker over Seven's flushed face, he began to explain, "That wasn't a reaction to fear or grief, just to finding something very, _very _funny. It's normal."

"Normal?" Seven repeated doubtfully, "Perhaps for the mentally unstable."

Chakotay regarded her pointedly, "Do you consider me 'mentally unstable'?"

"No Commander." Seven answered with gratifying certainty, but then her voice wobbled, "But _I _have never experienced this phenomenon before."

"Never?" Chakotay asked, looking at her sadly, "Well, what did you think of your first time?"

"It was…disconcerting." Seven replied carefully, "I felt out of control, but, oddly, it was not wholly unpleasant." Her brow creased thoughtfully, "I suppose laughter does release chemical endorphins."

"Yes, it does." Chakotay agreed, "Besides that, life would get pretty dark if we couldn't laugh it off sometimes." He smiled wryly to himself, "And it's not always a bad thing to be out of control, that's often when the best moments in life happen."

He could see that Seven wasn't quite ready to believe him, but she also surprised him by giving him the benefit of the doubt. "I will take your word for it for the time being Commander." She assured him with a cautious smile.

Chakotay naturally returned the smile. "That's all I ask."

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><p><strong>An: PLEASE REVIEW! :D This story was inspired by the fact that during that boardroom scene Robert Beltran and Jeri Ryan, who play two of the most straight laced characters so well, look as if they're on the brink of bursting out laughing through the _entire _scene. Not that I blame them for that, lol, but this was my attempt to play around with that idea. Just my opinion, but watch the episode and see. **


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